As of today, we’re 37 weeks 4 days pregnant. During our last gynae visit at 37 weeks, the cervix is still not opened but baby Ayshan is still at a good weight for him to be delivered naturally, that is, if we were to deliver him by this week. He was at 3.2kg thereabouts then.
Dr Wong did another cervix sweep which was less painful than the first time..or maybe I already knew what to expect and therefore, had relaxed more. Again, so far no blood. He said that my cervix is still thick, in which I translated to be that I’m not yet ready to give birth this week.
As the birth date is nearing, I’ve been feeling a myriad of emotions. The positive feeling is of course…feelings of love. Like how I can’t wait to hold Ayshan and breathe in his heavenly baby scent. Playing with his tiny fingers and toes, blowing raspberries on his fat little tummy, kissing his button nose tip, beautiful lips and chubby cheeks…In fact, kissing him all over.
And then I have the over-powering negative feelings which includes feeling scared and nervous as to how the birthing process is gonna be. How painful will the contractions be? How much more painful will the pushing be? How am I going to withstand the pain? How much will I tear below? Will I die due to blood loss?
And about baby Ayshan, I worry…Will there be complications? What if he’s born with birth defects (I know that the medical results did not indicate anything of that sort but a mother can never stop worrying)?
As I am typing this, Ayshan is continuously moving around, making his presence known. It’s as though he’s telling me not to worry so much as he is a healthy baby (amniotic fluid is still a lot and his heartbeat is normal, based on last scan).
My feelings have translated into dreams and the last dream I had was a few days ago, when I dreamt that I had given birth naturally with epidural and an episiotomy. But generally, the birthing process was a non-terrifying one. I can only hope that it comes true, and pray that God Almighty will protect me and baby Ayshan.
I guess, for someone who is used to controlling and planning almost every aspect of my life, this is an aspect that I have zero control over and it terrifies me, as I do not know what to expect. One thing for sure, no matter how much I prepare myself mentally and physically for the birthing process, I know that the actual process will be hugely different and beyond my limited expectations.
Our next gynae visit is this friday, when we’re at 38 weeks and 1 day. We have to come earlier for a CTG scan first. Other than that, it’s any day now. And while I’ve had a wonderful pregnancy journey thus far, I can’t wait to get the birthing process over and done with, and start the next phase of my life; Motherhood.